Friday, July 11, 2014

Holding on and letting go

About five weeks ago I lost my best friend. He was fluffy, snuggly, sweet and my savior during my roughest health patch in a long time. We often spent afternoons cuddling, sleeping and just keeping each other company. Then one morning, he was having seizures, chewed his poor little legs until they had a bunch of bleeding holes and he became non-responsive. That same day he went to puppy heaven and about broke this mamas heart. A heart that, for my baby Tank, is still healing. They aren't sure what exactly took his little life but the chances of it being a genetic fault in his DNA was high. He came from a puppy store and it's just never quite certain how strong their lineage is or how closely they are inbred (with cousins, bothers, aunts, etc) while still being considered pure bred. Either way, I feel like I was meant to have him because of the strength this 3 pound ball of fluff brought me despite the pain I was in trying to grow a little human, manage my crohns and suffering a kidney infection. 
In hindsight we can look back and see the decline of our little guy. He started losing energy, having dizzy spells and lost interest in playing WEEKS before we lost him. But in the moment we thought it could be a growth spurt making him sleepy or the fact that I raised him to do nothing but cuddle so that's what he was used to. Ignorance wasn't bliss in the end but we had no idea there was anything underlying making this little one sick. 

I never knew I was such an animal person until we adopted tank. I never knew how much I could love a furry friend. The only pets I had growing up stayed outside and I was pretty young when we had to give them away. I also never knew how much it could hurt to lose a pet to sudden illness. But this is where the story gets better. 

My first day alone in the house after my baby passed, I spent a good 3 hours crying in bed. I didn't have my little companion and it was breaking my heart and tearing at my already very pregnant emotions. Mike called me and knew I was trying to disguise my sobs and he very delicately brought up the idea of getting another puppy. 

I hated that idea. 

I didn't want tank to feel like I was replacing him so soon and I had a lot of anxiety about all of this happening again. However, mike convinced me to go see this yorkie breeder who lives about a mile away from us in Eagle Mountain. I reluctantly agreed and we went to see her. 

This lady, in a sense, changed my life. I can't even beging to describe the peace and comfort she brought me talking about how she goes about breeding, giving me priceless information about caring for yorkie babies and she even was familiar with the symptoms our little guy had because her first yorkie suffered the same symptoms. 

She has been breeding AKC registered puppies for 10+ years and has had 40 or so puppies with no problems. We visited with her and her husband for almost 2 hours that first visit. I can't even go into detail about the discussion but she helped calm my anxieties with her knowledge and information. 

We called to put down a deposit on a pup from her most recent litter about an hour after we left. 

We still had about 3 weeks before the puppies would be ready and in that three weeks I was an emotional wreck trying to keep calm about getting another puppy. Despite feeling calm everytime I visited him and talked with the breeder, I still had flashbacks of that horrifying morning with tank and feared history was bound to repeat itself. 

Three weeks came and went and now I am sitting here with a sweet little boy on my chest taking a nap after we've played.  The differences we see in his entire demeanor is so different from the first night with the last one that it makes me wonder if poor tank was just never healthy. Our new baby, Trigger, has been nothing but a joy the last 24 hours and I'm grateful I decided to be brave and add to the love our little family has for gods furry friends. They truly are members of the family. 

I am announcing the little mans adoption into the family via blog to reduce the chance of any negativity about getting another puppy so soon. We've already had some negativity we didn't expect so posting stuff to Facebook seemed out of the question. 

I am so grateful to have the blessing of animals in our lives in so many aspects. I'm grateful for the puppy breeder and all of her calming knowledge. I'm grateful for the time I had with Tank and the new addition of love our home has felt with Trigger.

I continue to feel the love of Tank because without him I wouldn't have found strength that first trimester of pregnancy. It took me a while to realize I wasn't replacing him but carrying on the love and bond we had with my new baby Trigger. I believe Tank is happier where he is than he ever was on earth because he was so sick, but I'm eternally grateful for the time I had with him. And I can't wait to see him again. :) I'm slowly learning to hold on to what's important, and let go of what I can't change. 

Without further ado...I want to present little Trigger.

Of course with it being me, my new baby has to make his photo debut to be properly introduced into our crazy Summerhays household. I've had him for 24 hours and he's probably already taking up half of my camera roll. 

So, ladies and gentlemen, here he is; the newest little addition to our lives: Trigger "triggs" "trigglet" Summerhays.

And the beautiful breeder, Tania. :) 

I am already so in love. :)


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